I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You made out with two different species that night
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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