Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
