it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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