Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
