I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
