So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
