I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
