Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
