Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
