how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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