Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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