She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm like, not good at living.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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