i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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