Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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