thus making me awesome and them whores
im six kinds of drunk right now
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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