you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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