I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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