we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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