the new term for farting is butt boxing.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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