if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
