while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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