She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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