is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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