I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No...this little piggys going to the bar
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
