I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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