i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
