peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
