I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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