I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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