your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
