I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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