Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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