Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
