Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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