I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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