I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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