i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
