I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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