chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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