good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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