just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
