I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
