My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
