life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
ok first of all what the fuck
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
