I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
