Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
