my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
