do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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