I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
