By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
